I enjoy reading menage stories on occasion and was quite surprised to realize I hadn’t really reviewed much so far on the blog. But recently quite a few have come across my desk so I started thinking about what makes a menage story work for me. Specifically, what makes a believable menage Happily Ever After (HEA). To be clear, I am talking about a story where three people form a partnership together that leads to a long-term relationship as a group. This is different than a couple who occasionally (or frequently) adds a third person into their bed, but that essentially remains a pair.
I think part of the appeal for me in menage is the fantasy. Not just the triple the hotness factor, although there is definitely that. But also the fantasy of such an atypical relationship working. Let’s face it, there are not many long-term three way relationships out there as models. So while the fantasy is what draws me to these stories, it is also what makes me want some reality thrown in to make the book believable. Here is what I need for a believable menage HEA:
Everyone in the group needs to be mutually attracted to one another. This is usually not an issue in m/m/m stories because the guys tend to all be gay or bi. But I have found it to frequently be an issue in stories featuring both men and women, usually with two guys who are identifying as straight and one woman. First off, it is almost impossible for me to imagine living your life long-term with someone for whom you feel no physical attraction, let alone participating in group sex together night after night. When you are all naked together rolling around in bed, wouldn’t it be weird to be totally uninterested in one of the people next to you? It just seems to become two people having sex with a third at the same time, rather than an actual three-way relationship. (The other problem for me in these stories is that they often turn into a situation where the woman is passively laying back while the men find as many ways as possible to penetrate her. The power dynamic just bugs me.) So number one rule for me is that everyone must be hot for everyone else.
There needs to be at least some discussion of the “rules to live by.” I am definitely not looking for them to draft a constitution here (and sadly I have read a few books where they spent so much time talking about things I was yelling at them to “just do it already!”). But a three person dynamic is almost always difficult, in and out of the bedroom. There is the potential for jealousy, hurt feelings, miscommunication, ganging up by two people on the third, etc. So I like to know that the people have put some thought into making this work. I don’t even care what the rules are (we must all be together to have sex, two of us can sleep together when the third is gone, whatever). As long as I can see some recognition that this is not an easy situation and it needs some time and attention.
Some indication that they have thought about dealing with the outside world. This doesn’t really affect the believability of the threesome for me, but instead makes me believe in the book. The reality is that the vast majority of folks will frown upon a committed three way and many will be down right hostile. This includes families as well as society in general. And this weight of disapproval is likely to take a high toll. I like to see that the characters have thought about this, talked about how they will handle it, or in some way recognized that this will be an issue they must face, even if it turns out everyone is ultimately accepting. I guess this just provides the link for me between fantasy and reality that I need.
These aren’t necessarily iron-clad rules. I have read books where the characters don’t all get together until late in the story, or where the plot dynamic differs enough from the typical menage that I am not necessarily looking for these hallmarks. But in general, this is what I like to see to really believe it is a relationship that can work.
So what do you all think? What do you need for a believable menage HEA? Or do you even want one? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
>The emotional dynamics between all of them need to make sense and work for me to even begin to buy into a HEA for this scenario.
>It’s hard for me to enjoy ménage stories because they seem too implausible. A couple’s dynamics is already complicated and difficult without the added pressure of a third person. Think about it, how hard it is to share your life with someone? You need to communicate and compromise all the time, and that’s when there’s only two, now imagine having to do that with a third person…
Then there’s the cultural aspect, we’re just not wired that way, it’s not how our culture works (and I’m using culture as an umbrella term to comprise occidental cultures as a whole, which isn’t really accurate but in this case works well). And even though there are polygamous relationships out there within our own culture I always feel like there are other reasons behind them than the mere fact that they want to be together, I think it’s more about transgression and wanting to try something new and push the boundaries than real love and commitment, and I wonder how many of those relationships are successful in the long therm.
So I can buy threesomes, because a ménage as a sexual need and/or fantasy is much more believable than a ménage as a true long-term partnership. And since we are talking about romances, if I can’t believe in their HEA then it won’t be a satisfactory read.
>@Brie, yes I agree on the crazy hard dynamics issue. That is why I said I like to see some discussion of how things will work. Not that two people is easy, but three adds so many more challenges.
So out of curiousity, do you not read menage books where the characters end up together for an HEA (versus a sexual relationship only)?
>I don’t! It’s not my thing… I have read a couple, though. I started Maya Banks' series but it was a DNF because it turns out that it was about three brothers sharing a woman (major ick factor to me!), then I read a novella by Jill Myles that was very good but it was a PNR so it doesn’t really count because it was about a shifter whose own nature was being in a polygamous relationship… But that’s pretty much it, maybe my problem is that I haven’t read a good ménage story!
I have read some very good m/f romances with ménage scenes. Megan Hart has one where the whole book is about the main couple having a ménage with the hero’s best friend, all the characters were fleshed out and the consequences of them having that relationship were dealt with in the book, so I thought it was very realistic…
>I think I'd have to go with all your rules there, Jay. The other thing I want to know is how the three together are even stronger and better than just two of them – you need to feel they'd really lose something more than hot sex if one partner was to drop out of it.
Although it's complicated, I can see that there could be real emotional benefits to having three in a relationship. The books I've found that seemed to illustrate this best are Fun with Dick and Shane by Gillibran Brown (Gilli needs both of them, as does Dick. It's less obvious with Shane, but never mind) and Chris Owen's 911. Goldilocks and his Three Bears by AM Riley was awesome too, but poly rather than a menage.
>@Jo, i agree with you. Another book that I think does it well is Sloan Parker's More. The three guys meet all at once (rather than a couple taking on a 3rd) which I think helps that sense of a group all being intertwined. You really get the sense that each of them is a link in the chain and without one of them none of it would work.
I have heard good things about the AM Riley stories (there is a second one now right)? I'll admit a poly scares me a bit, but I am intrigued by it. I'll check out the other two.
>Excellent points. I lurve me a good menage story. I've not read many m/f/m but yeah, that seems kind of weird. "Oh hi, nice to see you over there on the other end of her. Having a nice time? We should watch football later."
I always find the rule of "we must all be together to have sex" weird. It's like "I don't trust you not to develop a stronger bond with person A than me if I'm out of the room. You might "fall more in love" with them than me, so no touchy." If you all love each other equally, having sex without the other shouldn't matter. It's that childish feeling of everything have to be perfectly equal, the sandwich divided PERFECTLY in half. So I'll be honest, I have more trouble with those because I always get the sense there is no trust there, not real trust. How can it last?
I sometimes wonder how many people I know, at work or casually who are in a three-way relationship and I have no clue. Unless you get to know someone on a very personal level I'll bet no one knows. People have boarders or roommates or a friend who needs a place to stay (and never leaves LOL). But if you involve kids, then it's hard to hide because they'll let something slip. So I think you're right, if EVERYONE just goes "oh lovely" I think it's seems too artificial and you end up eye-rolling, but on the other hand I don't want it to be the biggest disaster in the world, something middling would be good. 😉