Nothing says โI love youโ like a damn good thrashing!
What makes the perfect dominant? Going by some BDSM erotica, you get the impression that to be dominant means being stern, inflexible, cruel, sadistic and demanding. These were certainly the kind of fictional dominants I first encountered as a teenager reading mucky books under the bed sheets: cruel sheiks who raped and branded the women they’d kidnapped for their harem or insane Roman generals with a whole household of oppressed slaves under their iron thumb.
I’m glad to say that I’ve found a much better class of dominant in my fiction over the last few years, but when I set about researching for Screwing the System, I wanted some input from real life dominants. Not knowing any in my day to day life, I turned to the BDSM “how to” literature, mostly written by male dominants and addressing other dominants.
What surprised me initially was just how sane, well-adjusted and wise these men were. Far from being bossy and autocratic (although I’m sure they could be in a scene if they felt the submissive would benefit from that), these are people who take their time to observe and study others, and who ultimately hold the responsibility for whether a scene goes well. They are the ones who have to plan and make sure they have everything they need, who have to test bindings to make sure they’re not cutting off blood supply, and who keep an eye on the clock. It brings to mind a strange combination of a teacher with their lesson plan and a pedantic health and safety officer (now there’s an idea for another novel!)
All of this planning and safeguarding takes a great deal of patience, and while the outsider’s perspective might be that the dominant is getting everything they want and the submissive is most likely to be the one denied pleasure, I’d argue that it’s often the other way around. A good dominant will make sure their submissive is lost in pleasure, but they have to restrain themselves from doing anything the submissive might be angry about when he or she returns from their trip to subspace.
When I had the privilege to witness a BDSM demonstration at Eroticon last year, another thing struck me about the Dom in question: he was caring and tender. Yes, he was spanking, paddling, flogging and caning his submissive (which she clearly enjoyed a great deal), but the pain was mingled with plenty of caresses, kisses, and moments when he verbally checked in with her to make sure she was all right.
So, what really makes the perfect dominant? I think itโs someone who’s observant, patient, responsible, caring and tender… even when they are in the middle of dealing out painful and/or humiliating treatment. Sounds like a contradiction? Maybe, but that’s precisely why I enjoyed the challenge of writing a dominant hero so much. I hope you enjoy the results.
Giveaway
What qualities do you think are essential in a dominant? Can you recommend any fictional ones as being good examples of what I’m talking about?
Comment to win! Jo is offering a choice of a book from her backlist to one lucky commenter on this post, and all commenters throughout the blog tour will also be entered into a draw for the grand prize of a handmade suede flogger, to be announced on 25th February.
Also, watch out for the Valentineโs follow-up short story, Screw the Fags. To be available as a free download from Smashwords and All Romance eBooks on Thursday 14th February!
Screwing the System
Heโs nobodyโs bitch. Until he gets a ride on the bitch seat.
Forced to apply for a job he doesnโt want, Cosmo Rawlins has only one aim in mind: fail the interview and get back to making music. Except his attempt to shock the older, sharp-suited Alasdair Grant doesnโt have the desired effect.
Instead of getting thrown out of the office by flaunting an interest in BDSM, Cosmo finds himself on his knees, apologizing to the sexy, good-looking Top.
Alasdair has more important things on his mind than training a novice sub, especially a rebellious bad boy like Cosmo. But thereโs something beneath the younger manโs defiant attitude thatโs too intriguing to ignore.
As Alasdair takes Cosmo in handโand for a wild ride on his Harleyโhe becomes obsessed with bending the young rocker to his will, both in and out of bed. Until he goes one demand too far, and Cosmo is gone in a cloud of dust. Forcing Alasdair to admit that earning Cosmoโs loyaltyโand loveโwill involve the toughest challenge heโs ever faced.
Warning: This title contains an overbearing Top with a less-than-glamorous job, a rebellious brat who refuses to call him sir, and a total lack of high-end BDSM clubs or playrooms. Expect floggings over the kitchen table instead.
Screwing the System on Amazon.com
About the Author
English through and through, Josephine Myles is addicted to tea and busy cultivating a reputation for eccentricity. She writes gay erotica and romance, but finds the erotica keeps cuddling up to the romance, and the romance keeps corrupting the erotica. Jo blames her rebellious muse but he never listens to her anyway, no matter how much she threatens him with a big stick. Sheโs beginning to suspect he enjoys it.
For more information about Joโs published stories, regular blog posts and saucy free reads, visit JosephineMyles.com
Photo credit: Chris Blakeley via photopin cc
For me it is the natural authority that makes a Dom, it has to click and be convincing otherwise all the rest is pointless. with that authority toys are not even necessary, you just obey without question.
Oh yes, good point. I was interested to discover that the very kind and gentle Dom I met at Eroticon had that in spades. He didn’t need to raise his voice or act bossy. True authority seems to come from some strange combination of wisdom and a certain willpower. Theatrics are optional.
I love when a Dom is squishy inside and lets out the affection. There does seem to be this image of Doms as being cold and remote. That someone to give someone a hug or hold their hand would mean that you aren’t a “true” Dom. I don’t like that concept, but it seems to be the one you see portrayed often in photos or in the media. The cruel guy with the whip. I love it when I find pictures of what is obviously a D/s pair, but they are both laughing or looking like they really care about each other. I guess the romantic in me wants to know that no matter what type of relationship you have, what kinks you may enjoy, that you actually care about the well-being (emotional and physical) of the person you with.ย
The mainstream media has a lot to answer for when it comes to misrepresentation and sensationalisation of BDSM, I agree. I remember one of the pictures I first saw that really transformed my understanding of what domination could look like was one of a bound and flogged man, and a woman standing over him wearing long stripy rainbow socks and totally normal clothes. They both looked like they were having a right laugh!
I definitely think that patience and a focus on their sub are the most important qualities in a Dom. The best ones, in my opinion, will be people who make sure that pleasure and respect are the main focuses – there is a lot of care in a good bdsm relationship I think.
This book sounds really interesting! I am going to put it on my tbr stack for sure.
Thanks, Alex! Spot on with the comment about care. When the right two people match up, I think these relationships can be superlatively caring and deep. It definitely forces both partners to closely consider each other’s needs and desires.
Just finished this book (I couldn’t wait; it suited my mood perfectly) and it was brilliant. ย The sex was hot, yes, but the relationship between the two was my favorite part. ย No power-hungry top, no whiny submissive – they needed each other, they had their kinks, and most of all, they worked just as well out of the bedroom as in. ย Loved it.
In the BDSM books I’ve loved most, it’s always struck me how in tune the Dom is with his sub, and how attentive he is to the sub’s needs.
Hi Trix ๐
Those are always the books I enjoy the most, too.
Great post! I definitely think caring is strong and very sexy. And also (weirdly) admitting when something’s gone wrong and doing something about it is a good Dom feature. I love the book Bound and Determined by Jane Davitt & Alexa Snow. Owen, the Dom, is so hot in that! ๐
Anne
xxx
Hi Anne – I haven’t read that one but I’m fairly sure it’s on my list of ones to get hold of ๐
I’d agree about admitting your mistakes. That takes real courage, I think.
Self discipline, patience and affection. ๐ Incandescent sex optional in the story as far as I’m concerned, though I like everyone to be having fun.
I haven’t actually read many books containing BDSM that I enjoyed because of some of the points you mention above. I understand how a masochist would enjoy the attentions of a sadist but I fail to see the attraction if the top is a complete dick on day to day basis. But that could just be me.
Self-discipline is so important. I get really worried if I read a book where it seems like the Dom is a loose canon.
There are plenty of great books out there, Elin. I’ll have to think of some recs for you…
True! Then again, I wrote a short a while back about a loose-cannon Dom who gets taken in hand by an experienced Sub – I must revisit those two at some point!! ๐
Anne
xxx
A good Dom/Master must always respect his sub, must be infinitely patient, totally understanding, completely caring, and in love with his submissive. A good Dom must be authorative without being unreasonably demanding, must respect his submissive and her limits, yet strive to romove these limits within constrained and controlled sessions over a period of time. A good Dom will always provide positive tender after care once a scene has been completed. These are just a few of my aims.
Those sound like some worthy aims to keep in mind. Respect, patience and love are wonderful qualities in anyone. You have a very lucky submissive ๐
I have only started reading BDSM books & in real life I’m not into that scene, so I don’t have much experience to draw from. I would think being in control at all times would be important.
Good point, Karl. Control, definitely… and having the wisdom to know that some things will always be beyond your control, so you have to adapt to changing circumstances.
I don’t know much about the subject, but I’d think self-control is key. How else could the sub trust the dom to respect their limits and keep them safe? The dom is in control of the sub and the situation, so they have to be in control ofย themselvesย too.
Oh, exactly. Self-control was something I kept very much in mind while writing Alasdair. You might be pleased to know he doesn’t spring a boner every time he thinks about Cosmo, too. He’s far more disciplined than that ๐
I think sanity and compassion are crucial. Also, self-assurance! Like I would know, but hey when Jo Myles asks, I answer.
brendurbanist@gmail.com
Hey, even when we’re not a part of the lifestyle, we all have ideas about what would work in a given situation. Sanity is definitely something I’d need to be sure of if I was going to let someone tie me up and hurt me!
Thanks for taking part, Urb ๐
I’m looking forward to reading this one – loved the free short story version ๐
I’d say common sense and awareness are essential – I’m sure I should be able to think of some fictional examples – I read enough BDSM! but my brain just isn’t co-operating ๐
Hehe – my brain isn’t co-operating at all so I can totally sympathise. Common sense is one of those qualities that often seems to be lacking in romance heroes. I’m all for common sense.
Thanks for the enjoyable read. What makes the best Dom for me is the same thing that makes for the best of friends and non-kinky lovers: self-awareness, maturity, and intelligent creativity. ย Total hotness is nice, too ๐
@SalomeWilde
cyberplaything AT yahoo DOT com
Hi Salome! That’s a great collection of qualities in anyone, I’d agree. In fact, all of these things being mentioned are good qualities full stop – although I don’t demand that my friends are all sane!
Total hotness is always nice, but it’s definitely about more than just looks.
You took the words right out of my mouth. I’ve never seen a live demonstration, but I’ve talked with enough people living the life to know exactly what you’re saying is true. It’s one of the reasons I’m so picky about what BDSM I read now – because if I can’t see the love and trust in the writing and the relationship – then it does absolutely NOTHING for me. I wish I could ‘like’ this post, or ‘favorite’ this post and make sure everyone reads it, because there are a lot of misconceptions out there about BDSM and what it really is all about. Thanks for a great post Jo!
Thanks, Katherine! I’m glad you liked the post. I’ll admit it, I was wiped out by this flu while I wrote it so I’m glad it came out as well as it did. Fortunately, it’s easier to write about things when you’ve been considering them for a long period of time ๐
I have this book but haven’t read it yet. Now I’m looking forward to it more than ever. It’s good the read bdsm by someone who is familial with it.
Thanks so much for both the information and the quality of your work.
Hi Andrea! I’d like to hope that everyone who writes BDSM does at least some research into non-fiction sources if they don’t live the lifestyle themselves. Perhaps I’m being naive, though… All I knew was, if I was going to write it I needed to understand it as well as I possibly could, from both sides of the power exchange. I’ve been reading a lot of submissives’ blogs too.
I think a great Dominant would have to be intelligent and be able to concentrate on the scene & plan it well so that he has the supplies needed and has thought of all safety concerns. They would communicate well and be observant of body language, check often with the sub about their comfort & safety, both verbally and checking checking physically. He would also have to be caring, yet firm and take care of the needs of both of them both during the scene and afterwards.
forgot my email, if you need it:
manning_J2004 at yahoo dot com
Hi June! Those are some great practical skills there. I totally agree. I really think the Dom’s role in the scene is much more challenging than the sub’s because of that levelheadedness and constant observation/evaluation that’s required.
For me the most important in a Dom is that he cares for his sub. Everything else will come from that, in my opinion. Of course a Dom is human and I love to see that. The strength to show a weakness or admit to mistakes makes a Dom better in my eyes and not less. But yeah, most of the time he should be in control and rather levelheaded.
Hi Dorome ๐
Oh yes, it’s those times when the perfect Dom slips up and how they then deal with their mistakes that makes them truly lovable. I enjoyed showing Alasdair’s falliability more in the novel.
I hate those impressions of bossy, mean doms. ๐ I think the most important dom quality is a true human understanding, especially of their sub. ย Is it too far, or is more needed? Does the sub need stern or soft today? All those minor reads of body language and knowing the sub to give the sub, and hopefully the dom too!, a great experience.ย
Excellent point – observation and reading of subtle body language cues is vitally important, I think. I’m starting to think that perhaps a degree in psychology would be a good thing to have too – or certainly a keen interest in the workings of the human mind (and body!)